Faking Orgasms and Feminism

The Movie “Train Wreck”

Last week I saw the movie  “Train Wreck” starring Amy Schumer – a very funny feminist and a really good actor.  The film is about a very broken young woman who received some unfortunate advice from her father as he divorced her mother – that advice was that monogamy is not realistic. After a brief flashback to Amy’s childhood, the film picks up with her life as a 30-something writer living in NY and having lots of sex (and noteworthy for this blog post – never faking orgasm).

In an interview with Amy Schumer in Glamour Magazine, she reportedly said that women deserve orgasms.

This got me musing about the topic of faking orgasm and feminism.  I decided to do internet research as well as interview friends on this topic.

There’s Lots of Information/Research Out There on Faking Orgasm

Who knew that Wikipedia has a long section devoted to faking orgasm?  Likewise, I found articles in mainstream, as well as non-mainstream, media on this topic – including ABC news, Women’s Health, the Guardian, and (of course) Cosmopolitan.

Not to mention the movies that talk about faking orgasm….

Women Aren’t the Only Ones who Fake Orgasms

Although not nearly as common as with women, men also fake it once in a while. Since men reach orgasm 85% of the time they have sex (with either female or male partners) the occasions (or need) to fake orgasm are limited.  Hmmmm . . . . .how does a guy fake it?  According to my research, condom use helps mask the faking.

Straight Women Have it the Worst

Research studies conclude that straight women only orgasm about 60% of the time they have sex.  As such, they have more occasions (and perhaps need) to fake it.

5 Reasons Straight Women Fake Orgasm

  • They don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings
  • They are embarrassed about how long it takes them to reach orgasm
  • They want to make their partner feel good
  • They are inhibited about asking for what they need from their partner
  • They are tired and just want to end it to go to sleep (my personal favorite)

Lesbian Women Orgasm More and Fake it Less

According to the research, lesbians experience orgasm about 75% of the time that they have sex – that is 10% less than males and 15% more than straight women.

Master & Johnson, the pioneer sex researchers, theorized that lesbians engaged in and enjoyed sex more because they weren’t inhibited by gender expectations of perfection and pleasure or chaste endurance.

Lucky for me, I live in a gay neighborhood so I had no problem finding lesbians to ask about their experiences.

The following is from a 45- year-old friend of mine who is a professional female in a loving relationship with her partner for the past 7 years:

When you are with a woman there is no need to fake something so intense.  Sex with women is sensual and intimate.  I think this is because you are more equal as women and as partners.  With another woman, I feel more comfortable and as such exploring my desires and sexual feelings is a wide open experience.”

What Straight Women Have to Say About Faking Orgasm

I love him but am getting tired of what I feel is my “Sunday morning duty.”

“We decided to retire from sex once we turned 70 – the Viagra wasn’t good for his health, and it took me too darn long to come and I was tired of faking it.”

“My partner can’t ejaculate and I felt it was because I wasn’t attractive enough to turn him on – as time went on and it didn’t get better, I’d fake it just to end it.

“I hate to say this but after the initial sizzle is gone, I often fake it or fantasize I’m with someone else.”

“I haven’t faked it very often but I do think there’s a time and place for it, if you are new to a relationship and don’t feel like getting into telling him what to do.”

“There are times I am just too damn tired to play.”

So What is the Feminist Issue Here?

The issue is that faking orgasm continues a tradition of male-oriented sexuality – and it doesn’t do our sisters, who follow us, any good. Both men and women should have equal access to orgasm.  Men must learn to be patient lovers who listen and follow instruction and women need to be patient lovers who know their own bodies and provide sufficient instruction for their partners to provide pleasure.

In the Very Old Days

Believe it or not, faking orgasms has been around a very long time.  Ovid, a Roman poet, who lived during the time of Augustus wrote “Ars Amatoria” around 1 C.E. Among many other topics covered in the poem, he advised women to fake it.  Here are his words from over 2000 years ago:

“So, then, my dear ones, feel the pleasure in the very marrow of your bones: share it fairly with you lover, say pleasant, naughty things the while. And if nature has withheld from you the sensation of pleasure, then teach your lips to lie and say you feel it all. Unhappy is the woman who feels no answering thrill. But, if you have to pretend, don’t betray yourself by over-acting. Let your movements and your eyes combine to deceive us, and, gasping, panting, complete the illusion.”

How to End a Tradition Among Some of Faking Orgasms

  • Have sex when you aren’t tired: Try Saturday afternoon around 3:00pm – get a bottle of champagne, put on your favorite music, have a nice chat, and then head for the bed for good sex followed by a lovely nap before dining out.
  • Have a heart-to-heart talk about what you like: Put no limits on your partner.
  • Change things up a bit: If you haven’t done so already, try sex toys, costumes, role play, and pornography.
  • Make foreplay the main act: Since most women usually do not come during intercourse.
  • Allow your partner the freedom to not orgasm if not in the mood: There are those time when you like to have sex but just can’t come – allow it to be okay with no apologies or faking it. 
  • A little Marvin Gaye to set the mood never hurt anybody.

We’ve Come a Long Way . . . but The Journey Is Not over!

– Anne-

What is a Feminist and do we Still Need Them?

Recently I had lunch with a 34-year-old son of a friend. He was very interested in my blog topic but was curious about what is a modern day feminist – having had, what he called, less than fun encounters with some strong women.

Similarly, a few weeks back I was chatting with a mid-50’s male lawyer colleague who opined that given all the laws now in place, there is probably no more need for feminists and activism.

Of course, “this got me musing” about feminism of the past and the present and what is a feminist and whether or not we still need them.

My Definition of Feminism

Let’s start with my definition of a feminist . . . . a person (man or woman) who believes the sexes should have equal opportunity notwithstanding the differences between the sexes and works toward that end. 

My daughter, who is 30 and a social justice activist, surprised me by disagreeing with my definition. In her opinion, one can be a feminist without being an activist. She and many of her friends would consider themselves feminists but are not necessarily out there carrying banners – not sure but perhaps this has to do with how relatively easy the Millennials have had it and the current controversy about the “f-word”.

Whether you chose my definition or my daughter’s, the equal opportunities to which I refer in my definition include education, employment, healthcare, politics, sports, the arts, religion, medicine, law, finance, government, corporate governance, film, music, writing, military and every other aspect of life that you can think of.

It’s Not About Man-Hating

Feminism has zero to do with one’s opinion of men – but has everything to do with wanting women to have all the advantages historically afforded to men.

It’s Not About Opening the Door 

Feminism has zero to do with manners. Men opening doors, carrying parcels, walking on the outside of the sidewalk and paying for dinner (not all the time but on a more equal basis), or doing other traditional “manly” chores such as handy-man work around the house, are all fine and in fact, are welcomed my many – including me.

In the Old Days

The feminists of the past focused on obvious disparity in opportunities – such as the right to own property (and not be property), the right to vote, the right to work and receive equal pay. The feminists of the past were the suffragists, the promoters of the failed Equal Rights Amendment to the constitution and other legislation designed to even the playing field. Gloria Steinem and Bella Abzug were leaders of the early feminist movement (the 60’s through the 80’s).

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In the New Days

Female feminists of today include some notable artists such as Patricia Arquette, Jane Fonda, Amy Schumer and Jessica Williams. Stand-outs in the political/governmental/global arena include Hillary Clinton, Angela Merkel, Christine Lagarde and Malala.

Let’s not forget contemporary male feminists – some famous such as Jon Legend, Alan Alda, the Dalai Lama and Jon Oliver, and some not so famous such as my boyfriend, my son-in-law, the guys I work with and most of the husbands of my friends. (I guess it’s apparent that I surround myself with like-minded people.)

Current Controversy About the Word “Feminist” 

Until I started this blog, I didn’t realize that the word “feminism” (a/k/a the f-word) was so explosive among many young people. Many do not self-identify as feminists, not because of their beliefs, but because they don’t want to be seen as controversial, man-hating, superior, and bitchy. Others avoid it because of a belief that it is too narrow – connoting a white middle-class older women’s thing. Most agree with equal opportunities and many have enjoyed such opportunities, but nonetheless avoid this moniker to avoid controversy. 

So, Do we Still Need Feminists? 

As my work colleague noted, there is a plethora of laws that prescribe equality – that said, the actualization of equal access still lags. 

For example, let’ s looks at politics and government.

  • Women in Senate – 20%
  • Women in House – 19.3%
  • Women CEOs of Fortune 500 companies – 5.2%
  • Women on Board of Fortune 500 companies – 17%

As an aside, according to a research study by Catalyst, a leading nonprofit organization dedicated to expanding opportunities for women and business, corporations that had more women board members performed significantly better than their counterparts with only male members (40 % higher sales and 50% more return on equity).

As for women in government, the key negotiators in the recent US/Cuba agreement were women on each side of the bargaining table.

Since women make up about half (50.8%) of the U.S. population and now make up over 50% of college graduates, as well as law, business, and medical school graduates, it is likely that, in the not too distance future (another couple generations) women will make up half or more of our governmental representatives, corporate executives and other positions of leadership in education and the arts. Leadership positions for women in the military, religion and sports will likely take a lot longer due to cultural mores and long standing and ingrained male dominance.

Given the numbers and notwithstanding significant progress that has been made since the 60’s, in my opinion, we still need activist feminists (as opposed to the kind that hold the equality beliefs but do not chose to identify) until such time that our numbers are spread evenly in societal leadership – only then will ALL women, both leaders and followers, of color and white have access to true equal opportunity.

For Those Who Like Lists   —— 5 Myths About Feminists 

  • they look down on men
  • they rebuff men’s courtesy
  • they look down on motherhood
  • they are bitchy and without humor
  • they don’t shave, wear makeup or have any style

Song for this Blog Post 

OMG – you’ve got to see and hear this video – talk about being right on the mark!

WE’VE COME A LONG WAY . . . . .. . .BUT THE JOURNEY IS NOT OVER!

 

 

Are Girls Better Team Players Now That they are in the Game?

You Can Have the Sports Section 

I am not a sports fan. I’m of the mindset that one ball game per year is more than enough – and then only with a couple beers and peanuts. When I grew up in the 50’s, not many girls played sports. Rather, many of us longed to be cheerleaders. I still remember trying out for the squad, practicing non-stop for weeks only to be eliminated in the very first round!

Suffice it to say, I only followed sports if my home-town team was on the verge of winning something big such as the Chicago Bears and their Super-Bowl Shuffle in 1985 and then I learned only enough to make polite cocktail conversation.

Recent Women Sports in the News

The reason I am writing this post about women in sports is because recent news got me musing about how the world of women in sports has changed so much in my lifetime.

  • US Women soccer team wins world cup but the size of its purse pales in comparison to the men’s. 
  • First woman becomes NFL coach. 
  • First Women’s surfing championship held in Oceanside with winning purse equal in size to the men’s.

Beijing Olympics Soccer Women

Title IX Becomes the Law of the Land and the Games Begin 

Many give credit to Title IX (passed in 1972 but its implementing regulations weren’t published until 1975 and its effective date for implementation wasn’t until 1978). Crazy but its focus was NOT sports. Rather, its focus was requiring all public educational institutions that received federal funding, to provide equal opportunities for women with respect to all their educational programs and activities. Its impetus was actually hiring and employment opportunities for women.

The proponents of Title IX look to its significant impact on women’s athletics. Since its implementation, girls’ high school programs increased nine-fold and collegiate women’s programs increased 450% – with the most popular women’s athletic programs being basketball, volleyball and soccer.

True Story About 15 Year Old Girl

I was recently blown away to hear about a colleague’s daughter who is an incredibly good athlete, plays softball and, at only 15, was recruited by numerous colleges and universities and just accepted UC Berkeley’s offer for a full ride.  OMG, no worries about early admission, personal essays, SACT scores or MONEY! Good for her and for her folks who encouraged and schlepped her to and fro since she first held a bat at about 5 years old. It’s great to hear that girls/women have the same kind of collegiate opportunities reserved only for boys/men in the old days.

Team Players and Corporate America 

Before girls had these kinds of athletic team sport opportunities, many in corporate America hesitated hiring women for managerial and professional jobs for fear they did not have “team” experience. Having had numerous positions of leadership in corporate America over the years, I found women to be more naturally team oriented than their male counterparts. Perhaps the guys needed the sports “team” experience to knock their egos down a peg or two – something the gals maybe didn’t need . . . don’t know, just conjecture.

Wind in My Sails 

I do want to share an anecdote about the only sport in which I ever participated – sailboat racing. I have always loved the water, swimming and boating. In my mid-20s, I was asked to join 2 friends on their 19 ft. sailboat named “Streaker”(named before streaking became popular – lest you think we sailed au natural).

We raced on Lake Michigan by Chicago. My first skipper opined that I took to racing “like a pig to slop”. That said, my greatest value was my ballast (a/k/a weight on a windy day) and my ability to follow orders yelled at me by a very competitive skipper. Who knew that “trimgoddamnit” is actually three words?

Fast forward to my mid-40’s when I resumed the sport after a 10 year maternity leave – this time on an all-woman/5 member crew. Picture this scene . . . a sunny afternoon in late August with a light wind blowing and the J24 fleet is battling it out for the championship. It’s the second to the last leg on an Olympic course and we are on a “run” with the wind at our back billowing our multi-colored spinnaker.

To port (on our left) was our competition – the all male crew we had traded first places with over the season. We are “neck and neck” or “beam to beam”. We are only about 10 feet apart – so close we could hear everything they said.

Our strategy was calm, steadfast, purposeful, sail trim and steering with no extra movements to rock the boat. Any questions were answered with calm, clear direction.

Our competition, on the other hand, was freaking out. The more we moved ahead, the more they yelled and fell behind. Never before had I experienced such exquisite joy in this boy/girl challenge.

You probably guessed that the girls won that race and we took first place for the whole season. Our skipper wore green sequins and I wore red ones – yes, we were called “port and starboard” as we accepted the first place trophy at the awards banquet!

So, why am I regaling you with my one and only sports victory? My point is that, in my opinion, and based on my very limited experience, girls/women do not need team sports to understand and implement teamwork – either on the water or in the office!

Size Does Matter

Even though I am not into sports, I am pleased that my athletic sisters can do their thing and hopefully soon they’ll be able to make as much money as the boys – because yes, size (of the purse) does matter.

Tune for this Post – The Super Bowl Shuffle!

https://archive.org/details/SuperBowlShuffle

WE’VE COME A LONG WAY . . .BUT THE JOURNEY IS NOT OVER

Mommy Wars – Has There Been a Cease Fire?

Sweet Smell of Victory

Recently I heard something very gratifying on NPR – according to a recent Harvard research study, daughters of those moms we used to call “working moms” are more successful professionally than daughters of those moms we used to call “stay at home moms” – and their sons are more conscientious.

FINALLY vindication for those of us who pioneered as career women against most all odds!

The Battle 

Hearing about this research got me thinking about days past (something I enjoying doing for this blog) and the saga of the St. Something Afterschool Program. (I changed the name to protect the innocent). 

mumwars22lf1_82786gm-a

The Battle Ground

Back in the early 90s my daughter attended a small Catholic grade school from 8:00 am until 2:30 pm. The school was in a “gentrified” urban neighborhood. The church was considered quite liberal in the day – offering social groups for not only oldsters and youngsters but even divorced and gay Catholics.

Over time a group of us “working moms” began to chat about the hassle of finding daycare for our grade-schoolers. As action oriented gals, we decided to get together to develop an after-school program at the school. Our idea was to create a fun and enriching program primarily for those kids who needed daycare until their parents got off work.

Our afterschool “committee” consisted of a physician, a lawyer, a marketing executive, an accountant and a computer specialist. Our “war room” was my dining table where we gathered in the evenings, drank wine, munched on cheese and crackers and attacked our project with the same zeal we mustered when working at our respective downtown offices.

Working Moms’ Battle Plan 

A month or so after we began, we finished a business plan document – and it was damn good if I say so myself. It addressed financial, operational, educational and regulatory concerns. Had it been an investment opportunity, no doubt we would have attracted lots of capital! We described a self-supporting afterschool program open from 2:30 pm to 6:00 pm offering fun, safe and learning activities for the kids and convenience for their working parents.

We were STOKED and couldn’t wait to take our bows once the Pastor and Parish Council finished clapping.

Stay-at-Home Moms’ Battle Plan 

Naively we asked to present our proposal and obtain permission to proceed. Unbeknownst to us, battle lines were being drawn and delay tactics immediately began.   “The Parish Council has a full agenda . . . the Pastor will be on vacation . . . out of town . . . out to lunch . . . in the confessional . . . saying the rosary . . . otherwise indisposed . . . thinking pure thoughts . . .” (you name it).

Time to re-group and strategize. We decided to meet one-on-one with the parish power brokers to see what gives. The self-appointed Grand Poo-bah was a woman who had been a successful bank executive until her first child was born. She then used her executive talents to control the Pastor, the Parish Council and all other things “St. Something”. She was smug in her self-righteousness and overall a pain in the pitooty.

When she finally deemed to meet with our appointed spokesperson, she explained that she understood our desire for an afterschool program, but that she and the other stay-at-home moms had met and decided to torpedo the afterschool program proposal because (get this) they did not want to encourage parish mothers to have careers – particularly since they had all given up their careers to foster “the best interest” of their children.

Strategic Withdrawal

As strong as our working mom group liked to appear, her words were like a dagger to our hearts. In those days as pioneer career moms, we had ambivalent feelings about leaving our children during the workday.  We were in unchartered waters and clearly didn’t want to harm or disadvantage our children.   Those were tuff and somewhat lonely times for working moms.

The Flanking Attack 

Used to setbacks in our careers, we quickly moved to plan B – modifying the business plan to include a modest profit on operations and meeting with ancillary power-brokers and other working mom families. With the backing of a large group of the former, who also just happened to be generous donors to the parish, we were able to be added to the agenda of the next parish council meeting and get approval to proceed with developing an afterschool program. The afterschool program opened the next semester and it thrived and to this day is one of the school’s most effective recruiting tools.

Retreat of the Grand Poo-bah 

One of the biggest ironies was that the Grand Poo-bah actually signed her own kids up for the program. It turned out that the working mom’s kids liked it so much that the stay-at-home moms had to sign up their own kids (at least a couple days a week) so as not to miss out on all the fun!

Back to the Research Study About Daughters of Working Moms 

By the way, I shouldn’t brag – but back to the research about daughters of working moms doing well – I can attest to the fact that my daughter and her friends, whose mothers also worked outside the home, each appears to be doing well – one is a veterinarian, one is a non-profit executive and one is a lawyer/activist. All three (now 30-year-old women) are professionally successful, contributing members of society, and seemingly happy in life. 

Has There Been a Cease Fire?

According to a 2013 Parents Magazine survey, 63% of moms believe mommy wars still exist but only 29% have ever experienced the impact first-hand. That said, when the author of the magazine article googled “mommy wars”, she noted nearly 25 million results! So, whether the war still exists or not, there continues to be lots of buzz about it.

The Moral of the Story – Let Us Move From a Cease Fire to a Truce 

Once again I return to the “choice” theme of my blog musings. We boomer feminists worked long and hard to create choices for women and to ensure these same choices for our daughters.

I know many young women, including my nieces and young women attorneys with whom I work, who continue to struggle with doing the right thing for their children and for themselves. At least now they will have the benefit of the referenced research study to know that their work outside the home will not harm and will actually help their daughters.

The choice to work at home or outside the home is not easy and it is very individual. We should celebrate the choice and not judge our sisters for their choices. 

Special Blog Post Song 

Last, but not least, I hope you enjoy this post’s song, Although this parody does not address mommy wars per se, it is a very fun music video and makes some great points about working women. 

http://www.valuewalk.com/2014/12/bitch-in-business-video

 

 

 

 

 

MOTHERHOOD – To Be or Not To Be?

BABY TALK 

It’s time to talk about babies – having them or not and if so, how many? Why having none is “selfish”, having one is “unfortunate for the only child” and having two or three is “just right”.

ACCOMPLISHED 30-SOMETHING WOMAN CHOOSES NO KIDS

The other day at the office I was chatting with a 30-something, professional woman about her upcoming wedding. She is smart, competent and beautiful. She showed me photos on her smartphone of her wedding gown – an elegant strapless white sweetheart design with just the right amount of bling. She will be marrying a man she met 2 years ago on match.com. In traditional mode, she plans to change her last name to his to illustrate her commitment. (name change or not? – fodder for a future blog)

Since she was so forthcoming, I asked about her plans for kids. She replied, “only the four-legged furry kind”. Trying to be politically correct, I said something like,

“gotta love the 4-legged kids – love my 4-legged granddog and cat.” She went on to tell me how hard it is to hear reactions to her no kids stance such as, “don’t worry, honey, you’ll change your mind once your biological clock starts booming”. Her ready response to which – “I had uterine cancer”. Her reply quickly shuts down the kid conversation causing the perception of her to go from selfish to victim.  She then quips that cancer had nothing to do with her decision to forego motherhood. She told me she never did and doesn’t now want kids and she’s sick and tired of being judged negatively for her decision.

IN THE OLD DAYS

This discussion got me thinking about women’s childbearing choices or lack thereof. I just finished reading a very interesting historical fiction called, “The Invention of Wings”. It’s about the Grimke sisters who were abolitionists from the south in the early 19th century. The novel elegantly depicts a time when certain women had no choice but to marry to leave their parents’ home – they needed husbands to take care of them because they had no legal rights to own property and producing offspring was their part of the deal. (BTW – the word “spinster,” which is still a legal term for unmarried woman, derives from women who spun cloth and were able to support themselves without a husband).

CHOICES: MY MOM, MY DAUGHTER, AND ME

Thinking about women’s choices in my own life, I reflect on my mother, my daughter and me. If my mother had the choices available to today’s women, she would likely have opted for a business career with no kids. That’s not to say she wasn’t a good mother – she loved and cared for her three kids the best way she knew how. She never took a job outside the home while we were growing up, even though the family could have used the extra income, because my father thought to do so would cast a negative perception on him and his earing capacity.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a thirty-something, is free to choose her maternal destiny. As a social justice activist and a soon to be lawyer, she will likely forego motherhood to have the time, energy and focus to advance her many causes – including her belief that overpopulation is a real issue.

As for me, ironically, I always thought I’d have a house full of kids. But things did not go that way. Due to divorce and early menopause, I only had one child, and as it turned out, one was probably my max capability. 

Having only one child, I was always somewhat apologetic. When asked about why, I would reply, “would have loved more but divorce got in the way” – changing folks’ perception of me from an ill-advised mother of an only child to a victim of circumstance. Had things been different, I would have had a hard time making a decision to have only one child – although I truly believe it turned out the best for both my daughter and me. My daughter loved being an only child and notwithstanding all the attention, she turned out to be an unselfish and well-adjusted person – a fact I take little credit for – she just came out of the chute this way.

THE ONE CHILD CHOICE 

A young woman friend recently struggled over the “only-child” choice. She is a lawyer and her husband is a doctor – in many ways they are perfect parents with lots of love and means and good ethics. It was hard for her to decide to just have one – she worried her son would miss having siblings and that somehow her choice could permanently scar her son’s life. I tried to help her reconcile with her ultimate one child choice. But she, like many of us, had a built-in bias. In the old days if a family only had one child, the common belief was there was a medical problem preventing more.

WOMEN WHO HAD NO CHOICE 

The women who wanted children and were not able to have them have their own stories of being judged and never quite accepted by their childbearing counterparts. I am beginning to understand how hard it must have been for them to listen to the non-stop baby/children growing up stories of most of their friends – since I am now experiencing the same phenomenon with respect to overly gaga grannies! You’d think they had nothing else of interest in their lives (I say with a bit of jealousy).

A close friend who couldn’t have kids due to a medical condition made a comment that I found particularly poignant – something about having no one to leave all her photos to – thankfully today’s photos are mostly digital and can be disposed of by a click of a button – leaving no need for future offspring to be the recipient of those big boxes and random fading, curly-edged holiday, summer vacation and graduation family photos. (Ironically, I have a few such boxes and my kid has no interest).

WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW? 

In looking beyond my own circle to get a sense of whether social mores regarding childbearing are changing, I googled the topic and found there have been numerous lively discussions within the last few years. On having one child, Lauren Sandler, author of “One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child and the Joy of Being One” defends her position in an opinion piece in the NY Times Sunday Review (June 8, 2013). On having no children, Jill Filipovic writes in The Guardian (August 16, 2013) “Most of us grow up feeling that we should have children and that our lives will be unfulfilled without. We need new social norms”. In Choices (September 15, 2014) Julia Ma listed 25 celebrities, including Betty White, Oprah, Helen Mirren, Condoleezza Rice, Dolly Parton and Ellen who decided to forego children.

The fact that people are talking about it, and many are staunch defenders of choice, leads me to think that the historical role of women as primarily baby-makers is changing – albeit slowly.

MORAL OF THE STORY

If there is a message in these musings about the decision of motherhood or not, it is 2 fold: first, let us celebrate the fact that women finally have choice about their reproduction and second, let us not judge our sisters for the choices they make.

BECAUSE SOME READERS LIKE LISTS

In closing, I’d like to leave you with my list of 10 things NOT to say to women who chose to have no kids or only one.

  1. you’ll change your mind once your biological clock starts really ticking 
  1. don’t make a decision you are likely to regret your whole life 
  1. having children is the only way to become more truly human 
  1. who is going to take care of you when you are old? 
  1. bright, healthy and productive people like you have a duty to procreate 
  1. an only child will be lonely 
  1. an only child may grow up selfish and unable to get along with others 
  1. if you can’t or don’t want to have a baby yourself, you should adopt 
  1. you need to continue your lineage 
  1. having babies keeps cancer at bay

SONG FOR FUN 

It took me a while to come up with an “appropriate song” to accompany this post.Hope you enjoy GLEE’s (tongue-in-cheek) rendition of Paul Anka’s classic 1974 hit – “ You’re Having My Baby”. (according to Wikipedia, considered one of the worst songs of all times !)

We have come a long way………………BUT THE JOURNEY IS NOT OVER

 

– ANNE

The Making of an Accidental Feminist

The Nation and the web were ablaze with beautiful rainbows since Friday when SCOTUS handed down its landmark decision that same sex marriage is legal. The congregation in the church and a nation-wide TV audience got chills as POTUS sang Amazing Grace during his eulogy of the black pastor killed by a racist during bible study in Charleston, SC. Everyone with a pre-existing health condition breathed a sigh of relief as SCOTUS finally put Obamacare’s constitutionality to rest.   For those of us on the left, it was a very good week.

The struggle for racial and gay equality takes me back to the early days in the struggle for women’s equality in the work place and how it affected yours truly.

The year was 1970, I was to graduate with a BA, the Kent State killings had just occurred and campuses all across the nation, including mine, were shut down. Never having to take our last set of final exams, my class was graduated. – some of us walking down the aisle to receive our diplomas wearing black arm bands to signify opposition to the war in Vietnam. Having financed my education, my parents congratulated me and quickly let me know that I was now on my own as far as money was concerned.

So, since I had to pay rent, I went about the task of finding a job. I soon learned that my degree in English didn’t matter a damn but my halting ability to crank out 45 words per minute on the typewriter did– a skill I tried to learn in high school since I thought it’d be easier than trigonometry.

Wearing one of the two dresses I owned, (women were not allowed to wear pants) I showed up at the tall office building in downtown Chicago to begin a job called “personnel clerk” for a major national corporation. My plan was to keep this job just until I could land something more worthy of me – such as an international correspondent for a major news organization – totally clueless to the fact that I had no journalistic training and even if I did, mainly boys got that kind of job.

So, instead of reporting on international events, I set about learning how to spell personnel (two n’s and one l as opposed to the other way around) and process personnel change notices every time someone was hired, fired, quit, promoted, transferred or retired.

Two years later and I’m still processing changes – the economy was in the pits, my skills to qualify for another job were lacking and promotion seemed unlikely since most women in the company were at similar or lower pay levels than I. (please notice I did not say “than me” – which is a pet peeve).

Anywho, just about this time a group of young guys called, “Industrial Relations Trainees” began making the rounds of the various company personnel departments to see the nuts and bolts of the operation.  My desk was one of their designated stops.

They would ask me questions and I would answer. Then one day I started asking them questions – What are you being trained to do? How did you get this gig and where does it take you?

These trainees were fresh out of college and typically had majored in business and were interested in personnel / industrial relations, (more recently referred to as human resources reflecting a softer-gentler approach to people as opposed to its former union busting mentality).

Naïve and bored, I decided I’d like to switch sides of the desk and be an Industrial Relations Trainee interviewing personnel clerks rather than the other way around. The year was now 1972 and Congress had just passed the equal rights amendment stating that “Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or any state on account of sex” – a fact of which I was clueless. Had I been a bit more politically astute, I would have used this fact to argue my case. But in all honesty, my main motivator at the time was to get a more interesting job and make enough money to buy a car.

So I decided to write a memo to the big personnel boss and ask to be promoted to Industrial Relations Trainee. Anticipating opposition to the fact that I did not have a business degree and the position required relocating, I informed the higher ups that I had taken a few business courses over the past two years and that my academic work, along with my hand-on practical work in the trenches, qualified me and they need not worry because I was open to relocation.

My timing couldn’t have been better. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall of the executive dining room when the old white guys read and discussed my memo. Not only had the ERA been passed by the congress and, at the time looked to be on its way to becoming a constitutional amendment, eight years had passed since the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and it was gaining traction. (In case you didn’t know, this law included a prohibition on gender-based discrimination – a prohibition that was added to the bill at the last minute by opponents thinking if gender was added, the bill would never pass. Talk about a colossal misstep by the chauvinists!)

Unlike the Godfather offer that one cannot refuse, I was made an offer that I think I was expected to refuse – an offer that the corporation could use in its defense if I decided to sue for sex discrimination – which, btw, was the farthest thing from my mind (at the time). The offer was a salary about 20% less than what they paid the guys and the location was in a factory in southern Ohio. After refusing my request for 20% more (a/k/a equal pay), I got pissed and decided the best thing I could do to express my feelings was to ACCEPT the damn job and show them! I had unwittingly become a feminist.

I became the first women Industrial Relations Trainee in the company’ history and my real education began. I bought a used car, loaded it up and drove south. To say my reception was cool would be an understatement. Neither the male bosses nor the female clericals knew what to make of me. I was a girl in a boy’s job and I was from “corporate” – two major strikes against me. Not to whine, but the first few months were lonely. I remember sitting in one of two deck chairs on my patio staring at the other thinking, “I don’t need you”.

Things began to turn around when I decided to publish an employee newsletter – giving me a reason to meet, interview and photograph the staff. People love to talk about themselves (witness this blog). Soon the ice began to thaw and slowly I became accepted as a somewhat novel addition to the factory. The employee newsletter became a big hit and gave me access to employee relation issues that allowed me to better do my job – help maintain a productive workforce. Have to say, no guy had ever thought of this approach.

Over the next three years with the company, I had more successes than failures enabling me to put a small crack in the glass ceiling for those that followed – and they did follow!

To end on a somewhat related topic, I’m glad that the $10.00 bill will in the future bear the image of a woman – but as comedian Jessica Williams recently said on the Daily Show, having a woman on the front of the bill is cool but she’d rather be paid 10 full “Hamilton Dollars” than $8.50 of “Lady Dollars” for the same work.

So let’s continue to celebrate the rainbow and amazing grace and other events bringing us closer to equality but we need more cracks in the glass ceiling in order for it to shatter.

In keeping with my yet to be established blog post tradition, I welcome you to listen to an apropos tune by Dolly Parton – “9 to 5”.

We have come a long way ………BUT THE JOURNEY IS NOT OVER 

– Anne

 

The “Pill” and its Impact

The Pill

The other day, I turned on my radio to a classic country station and it was playing Loretta Lynn’s “The Pill”, written and recorded in 1972 but not published until 1975 due to its controversial nature. The song is about a wife who is continuously pregnant and caring for her kids while her husband cats about. The theme of the song is control over her life and the changes that are coming now that she has access to the birth control pill. She is no longer willing to be barefoot and pregnant. Although the song was considered quite divisive in its day, it also did quite a bit a good. According to Wikipedia, Loretta was congratulated by a group of rural physicians claiming that her song did more to highlight the availability of birth control to low income rural women than all their literature and outreach combined.

For those of you who have never heard it and for those of you who haven’t heard it in years, I’m including it here for your listening pleasure.

Example of Some Lyrics

“All these years I’ve stayed at home

While you had all your fun

And every year that’s gone by

Another baby’s come

There’s gonna be some changes made

Right here on nursery hill

You’ve set this chicken your last time

Cause now I’ve got the pill”.

The Revolution

It’s hard for young people to imagine how revolutionary the pill was – with a claimed 99% success rate, for the first time women were in actual control of their bodies – with one small pill per day dispensed from a feminine circular purse size container.

The “Moral” Issue

Raised Catholic, I was acutely aware of the ”moral” issue that accompanied this medical break through. My father was a “detail man” (at the time there were no “detail women”) who educated physicians about the benefits of the pharmaceutical products sold by The Upjohn Company. One such product was the pill. I know he had a religious conflict promoting the pill – because we always had a substantial stockpile of physician samples in our basement. Somehow he was able to keep his job notwithstanding his reluctance to promote the pill.

The Times – They Were “a changin”

Thinking back to the early 70s, it was an amazing time for women in history. The pill had been on the market for a decade but was finally gaining traction. In 1973, Roe v. Wade made abortion legal. Burning bras (or abandoning them if burning is in fact an urban legend) to protest the confinement of preordained women’s roles, losing the moniker “Mrs.” for “Ms.”, and marching to enact the Equal Rights Amendments were the hallmarks of the early feminists. (Btw, the current controversy about what is and what is not a feminist is noteworthy – in my opinion, feminists do not hate men, they simply recognize the strengths and talents of women in addition to those attributable to motherhood).

From the early 70s to the early 80s sex for women became fun and free of worry over pregnancy and STDs (before AIDs/HIV came on the scene). Women’s reputations no longer rose and fell on their virginity. We could finally relax and enjoy the ride (so to speak).

The sexual revolution was about more than sex. It was about women beginning to take our place in society as equals – in bed as well as in other arenas– finally free of the unwanted consequences of enjoying our sexuality. And we sure did enjoy it. I know lots of grandmothers, who are retired professionals and upstanding contributing members of society who, in the day, made love outdoors, in the sky, on boats, in elevators and restaurants and had so many sex partners that they lost count! Think of this the next time you see a plump, grey-haired lady tending her grandchildren in the park!

What’s Happening Now

Fast forward 40 years and now we are talking about over the counter access with full insurance coverage of the pill. A recent University of California study concluded that unplanned pregnancies (which comprise 50% of ALL pregnancies) could be reduced by 25% with such access and coverage.

In addition to “The Pill,” there is now another pill – a little “pink pill” that supposedly enhances a woman’s waning libido. The FDA has yet to approve it causing some controversy about FDA’s gender fairness – having approved the little blue erection pill for men but not the little pink pill for us. Don’t know much about the little pink pill other than the middle-aged woman from a research study who sings its praises on a TV report while walking hand-in-hand with her formerly love-starved husband – but I am very pleased that society is beginning to realize that even post menopausal women have a right to enjoyable sex.

From a song about birth control that shocked the nation 40 years ago to over-the- counter access and a little pink pill to enhance libido . . .

We have come a long way…..BUT THE JOURNEY IS NOT OVER!

– Anne