People come in all stripes and they couple up in a variety of ways. Couples include a variety of twosomes such as; woman and man, woman and woman, man and man, trans and partner, bi and both woman and man. In other words, there are a lot of different kinds of “coupling” going on. Society is learning that sexuality is on a spectrum and it is not binary.

But, what about people who do not couple up? Is there something wrong with them? Are they abnormal?

In the old days, some of these “uncoupled” people lived the only respectable way they could – joining religious safe havens such as monasteries, seminaries, convents and various cults, living their lives apart from the mainstream and devoting their lives to spreading their particular beliefs.

Other than being “uncoupled” for religious reasons, singlehood has never had much status in the world. In fact, it actually has a shame attached to it. Single people are often viewed as being selfish and unable to sustain a partnership due to some personal failure.

I was one of these single people who spent the majority of my life thinking something was wrong with me since I wasn’t part of a couple. I grew up learning that my role was to marry and produce children. I always thought that married family life was what I wanted. But try as I might, coupling was just not in the cards for me.

I remember as a young girl, my mother told me to let the boys win at games if I ever wanted to date. I was told to let the boy/man think he was stronger and smarter. I tried to do this but it just didn’t come naturally. Even though I was decent looking, outgoing and fun, the boys and later the men, just were not attracted to me.

In my thirties, with the biological clock ticking, I asked for help from a friend who was a total “guy magnet”. No matter where she went or what she did, she was always being approached by guys and being asked out. She could be riding the subway; shopping at the farmer’s market; or going to the library – she attracted men like a flower attracts bees.

She took me under her wing and gave me the following advice.

• Stop walking so fast as it looks like you have business to tend to
• Slow down, saunter and look approachable, smile and say hello
• Stop driving your fancy car and wearing your fancy clothes
• Don’t look so successful, rather, try to look vulnerable
• Ask for help from men you want to date

Basically, my friend was telling me I had to “dumb it down” to get a man. As contrary as this approach was to my burgeoning feminism, I gave it a try to see what would happen.

I wore a black pencil skirt and a silk blouse open down to the third button. I wore heels (that I could walk in) and unleashed my ponytail to blow in the Chicago breeze. It was a Friday afterwork and I sauntered up Michigan Avenue on my 2 mile walk home. I smiled at others as I walked along. I walked slower and consciously swung my hips a little as I got into the rhythm of this new mode.

It didn’t take long for my prey to come in sight. Soon a good-looking man sidled up beside me saying “what a beautiful day . . . so glad it’s Friday.” I smiled and agreed with him. Next thing I know, we are walking together and exchanging pleasantries. I was inwardly amazed at how simple it was to reel one in. Soon he suggested we stop at a nearby bar to celebrate Friday. I agreed. One drink in and he asked me to come to his nearby apartment and told me his wife was out of town. I gracefully declined, took off my heels; put on my sneakers and walked briskly the rest of the way home . . . alone.

There were other forays into man hunting. In my mid-thirties I dated a man who fathered my child. We married for a short time.

Raising a child mostly on my own kept me busy for a generation. Although I dated over the years, I never met a man I wanted to marry and none of them wanted to marry me.

When my daughter grew up and moved away, I tried man hunting again and had a few short-term relationships, but from my perch, there was always something wrong with the men. Some were dull, some were cheap, some had health issues (including physical intimacy), most drank too much and most weren’t smart enough for me.

Once I retired, I began to study women’s history and social justice issues. Recently I did a deep dive into the history of the patriarchy. Through my research, I learned that the patriarchy is not the “natural way”. Rather, it is a human construct closely aligned with major religions in most cultures.

The patriarchy was designed to keep women in a subordinate role as “helpmate” to their husbands and “domestic caregiver” to their children. I learned that ALL major institutions in our society (including the family) are designed with the idea that men are the leaders and women are the followers and helpers. I learned that the creation story (written by men) of Eve, the temptress, bringing down Adam and all mankind, as well as the commodification of sex, set the stage for women’s second-class status.

Once I began to understand the extent of the patriarchy, I began to understand how the concept of single women just didn’t fit into a culture designed by men to keep women subservient. Single women were threatening to cultural norms because their success proved that they could not only survive but actually thrive without the leadership of men.

It’s taken growing old and years of learning for me to evolve and realize that being single is a conscious choice rather than a default for the undeserving. It took me way too long to understand that being single is not only a legitimate way to live, it may in fact be a preferred way to live for those of us who want to live a life of freedom from subordination and freedom to live life more fully aligned with our deepest sense of self.

Alas, we all need human relationships and connections to thrive. Fortunately, I have a wonderful daughter and close family and good friends. I am free to be generous with my time and resources to help the less fortunate. I am happy and whole. I am neither selfish nor self-centered.

My point is that not all of us need “to couple” to live our best lives. My hope is that as our culture continues to evolve, single people will be respected for who they are rather than maligned or pitied for who they are not. Being single is a choice and it is a legitimate way to live a full life.

By Anne M. Haule

Copyright 2023

In my 71 years of life experience, I’ve noticed that when women are in charge – shit gets done and it gets done better.

We need only to look at the world’s corona virus response. Germany, New Zealand, and Finland (all led by women) had the best responses with the fewest deaths and illness.

We need only look at those corporations with women on the board and in executive leadership to find that they not only improve the organization’s performance and profitability they typically also improve the firm’s social responsibility.

We need only look at the energy and focus of the Women’s March in 2016 – the largest gathering ever in the country in response to the electoral election steal by the worst bigot and misogynist in office in our history – to know that women can and will come together to remedy wrongs.

We need only look at the indefatigable activism of the suffragists and the second, third and now fourth wave of the women’s movement to secure equality for ALL women notwithstanding incredible hurdles and abuse.

We need only look at the #Me Too and #Time’s up movements to know women have arrived in a new place of strength and solidarity to oppose our objectification.

We need only look to advanced education where women now represent the majority of university and professional students and graduate – such as doctors and lawyers – to see that we are becoming more prepared than ever to take charge.

We need only look to the mothers, many of whom work outside the home, who know how to multitask like no one else  – teaching and disciplining children, managing finances, managing healthcare, managing children’s education, managing food, clothing, family get-togethers, the family’s social calendar, and on top of it all – being the most important inspirational family figure.

We need only look to the way women collaborate rather than compete.

We need only look to the way women empathize and heal rather than tear down.

Men have run things for way too long. They’ve tried to subordinate us in every social structure except for the family unit. Patriarchal society has run its course. That is evident by what men leaders have done to this country.

It’s our turn to run the show. . . time for us to get shit done and get it done better!

It starts with realizing everything you have been taught was skewed from the perspective of white males – the educators, the faith leaders, the doctors, the historians and the politicians. Everything I had been taught was controlled by a white patriarchal society.

My journey began a few years ago when I met DeRay McKesson, a co-founder of the Black Lives Matter civil rights movement. He explained the concept of white privilege to me. This is the concept that just because my skin is white, life has been immeasurably easier for me than for people of color.

This fluke of nature automatically raised my social status above those born to parents with different skin pigment. It has nothing to do with how hard I may have worked. It has to do with understanding that my accomplishments were easier to achieve because I’m white. On the flip side, my failures were not as significant because as a white person, my safety net was bigger and stronger.

My first reaction to DeRay was defensive. I remember thinking that it’s not my fault that I’m white and he’s black and that I’ve had an easier road to travel – so I asked him what, if anything, I could do as a white person about this skin color injustice. His reply really resonated. He said, “Use your white privilege to disrupt it”.

Meeting with DeRay reminded me of the first time I had a flicker of racial understanding. I was 16 and working at a summer job as a switchboard operator with the telephone company. I had just finished reading “Gone With The Wind” and told my work friends how much I liked it. One of my fellow operators told me she viewed the book differently than I did. I was taken a back that someone wasn’t as excited about the book as I.

When we returned to the switchboard after our break, we happened to sit next to each other. As our arms reached for the cords to answer calls, the contrast in their color was stunning. As I looked at her dark arm next to my light arm, I started to think about how this color difference caused her life to vary from mine. I begin to imagine all the ways her color made her life harder than mine – such as sitting on the back of the bus, standing at the back of the lines, being turned away from restaurants and shops, being ridiculed and scorned in public places by white people. I imagined her life so different from mine even though we lived in the same town – she on one side and I on the other. It was my first flicker of insight into social injustice.

Now I am facing 70 and since retiring a few years ago, I’ve had the time and opportunity to learn new theories of history and society. I’ve been learning history from new perspectives – those of Native Americans, women and people of color. I’m discovering how the history of these disenfranchised groups is much different than I had learned growing up reading textbooks and being taught by teachers parroting the perspective of the white males who wrote the books.

The truth is, US history has been very unjust and violent. The real story is unconscionable greed, inhumanity and empire building by white people from Western Europe. Our country, which is the most powerful nation in the world, achieved its status on the backs of non-white people.

First we killed the native people and banned their culture under the guise of christianity. Then we built our economy on the backs of black people whom we enslaved for hundreds of years. Then we organized society into classes elevating white male landowners and disenfranchising all others.

Slavery didn’t end after the Civil War and it didn’t end after Jim Crow (the racial caste system post reconstruction to the mid 60’s) and it hasn’t ended yet – it’s merely taken on different attributes. Understanding this is necessary to begin one’s “awakening”. I found the documentary, “13^th” (about how the 13^th amendment may have ended legal slavery but it didn’t end repression), to be very enlightening about life in the US from a black perspective.

Black people have been kept down in many ways including substandard public education, housing, healthcare and an incredibly unfair treatment by the criminal “justice” system.

The US has more people in prison that anywhere else in the world and the percentage of blacks in relationship to the black population is astounding.

Between 1980 and 2015 the number of people incarcerated went from 500,00 to 2.2 million! The US population accounts for 5% of the world’s population but it has 21% of the world’s prison population. In 2015, blacks made up 34% of the prison population but only 14% of the country’s entire population. According to the NAACP Criminal Fact Sheet, if blacks and Latinos were incarcerated at the same rate as whites, the prison population would decline by 40%!

Why do more people of color end up in prison – because police often engage in racial profiling – either intentionally or due to implicit bias. Once a person of color is detained, he/she is more likely than not to be arrested and jailed for what are often minor offenses such as a burned out tail light or exceeding the speed limit. Once stopped, the cops often find a pretext for arrest. Once jailed, the money bond system kicks in.

Large insurance companies (often parading as mom and pop businesses) essentially control the money bond system with powerful lobbyists. This system has devolved into a practice that unfairly discriminates against poor people who can’t come up with the cash to get out of jail. People jailed like this often remain in custody for weeks, months and even years! They lose their jobs, their apartments and at times, even their lives. It begins a devastating downward spiral impacting those jailed, their families, and society as a whole.

The way blacks and other people of color are treated by the criminal “justice” system – be it racial profiling, the money bond system, the “war on drugs”, (meaning the war on the kind of drugs found primarily in poor neighborhoods such as crack and heroin) and the proliferation of for-profit prisons with government contracts that are paid on a per diem basis increasing their profits the more people who are incarcerated, represents the continuation of slavery and Jim Crow in our era.

As part of my awakening, I have learned that different races do not really exist. “Race” is something made up to classify humans by their appearance – known as a social construct. All people, regardless of their color, share 99.9% of the same genes. The differences in appearance known as racial differences are actually evolutionary adaptations. Once we accept this fact, we may begin to see ourselves more closely aligned with those we have heretofore considered biologically different. I learned this at the Race exhibit at San Diego’s Museum of Man and find it to be quite revolutionary in understanding society.

As another part of my awakening, I have learned that the Black Lives Matter movement is a continuation of the civil rights struggle of the 60’s by a new name with new leadership arising out of the death of young black men killed by the police without justification. When people say that ALL lives matter, I have learned to reply that of course all lives matter – but that misses the point. The point can be analogized to a house on fire in a neighborhood – of course all houses in that neighborhood matter but for the people that live there and the firefighters who are called, it is the house on fire that matters. Black lives have been on fire in all aspects of our society – most notably with respect to young black men caught in the crosshairs of police gunfire.

Back to my initial query – can we white people be “woke”? If so, how and why should we? We can probably never know the extent of the injustice experienced by people of color and trying to be “woke” is more of a journey than a destination.

People evolve in different ways. My journey involves reading contemporary books and essays written by black authors and organizations, watching documentaries (such as “13^th”) and taking classes and meeting new people outside my regular circle with different experiences and perspectives.

If we ever hope to have a fair and just society in the US, I think it is important for us white people to try to understand what white privilege means and, as DeRay advised, use our white privilege to disrupt it!

 

Written by Anne M. Haule / Copyright 2018

 

 

 

 

I’d like to go on a bit of a rant about how naïve I have been for so long and even though I am an educated person, my education was more akin to indoctrination. Now that I am finally waking up, I wish to share a few examples of what I was taught and what I now believe.

Christopher Columbus – I was taught he was a hero for proving the world was not flat, and discovering and bringing Christianity to the new world. In fact, he was a really a “bad hombre” and he was not the first explorer to reach the Americas – he was preceded by its indigenous people who came from Asia and later, the Vikings. As for the shape of the earth, scholars had known since antiquity that the earth was a sphere. Most shocking to me was learning that he started the transatlantic slave trade; used torture and mutilation; and initiated the genocide of the natives. Time to get rid of Columbus Day for sure!

Manifest Destiny – I was taught that it was the destiny of the ”white man” to spread the word of God to the “savages”. My school books read that European explorers were doing God’s work moving westward across the country but the books ignored the part about how the natives were robbed of their language, culture and heritage and religion was forced down their throats if they wanted to survive. In reality, the Christianity thing was really a ruse for plundering treasure and subjugating humans. Visiting the Herd Museum in Phoenix was a real eye opener for me – especially seeing the exhibits showing how young boys were taken from their homes, had their hair shorn, had their clothes burnt, were forced to wear the clothing of their subjugators and were forbidden from speaking their own language. I’m proud to know the lawyer who successfully argued before the Illinois Supreme court to retire the disrespectful “Chief Illini” mascot of the University of Illinois – time to retire all other such vestiges of overt racism!

Capitalism – I was taught that capitalism was good and it is what differentiates America and makes it great. I was also taught that socialism was bad. The rags to riches story was the concept that anyone could do anything in this great nation so long as “he” just pulled himself up by his bootstraps and worked hard. No one explained that not everyone had boots much less bootstraps! The great industrialists were heralded for their significant achievements such as manufacturing, the railroad, oil, coal and automobiles, which improved life for some and advanced the U.S.’s position in the world order, but other than a cursory mention of the term “robber baron,” there was no focus on working conditions and monopolistic power. The so-called “trickle-down” theory of economics didn’t work then and it doesn’t work now. Left unregulated, the rich get richer and the rest of us suffer. Socialism, in my opinion, is good. It means providing a safety net for those without boots and establishes certain basic rights such as clean air and water, education and healthcare. I’m proud to have supported Bernie Sander’s brand of socialism and hopefully it will become more mainstream as our country rebounds from the ravages of Trump.

Religion and the Role of Women – I was taught that I should be feminine, not too smart, allow boys to win, not have sex before marriage, learn to type, sew, cook, clean, and find a husband. Raised Catholic, I was taught to cover my head in church and that using birth control and having an abortion would cause my spirit to go to hell. I was taught that a woman’s role was to be a mother and raise children. Now I realize that religion is really men’s way of keeping women down. Other religions, including Orthodox Judaism and Islam have sects that continue to require women to cover their heads. Other religions, including the Latter Day Saints, ban birth control to expand their ranks and keep women in the role of procreator in chief. Most religions are controlled by men and restrict women from positions of authority. I confess to no longer being a believer but nonetheless I am still appalled at how many women continue to devoutly follow the dictates of their male religious leaders with little or no challenges. The continuous attacks on women’s reproductive freedom, frequently done in the name of religion, in my opinion, are merely a ruse for keeping women from gaining power in society. Now, more than ever, separation of church and state is critical for women to escape this kind of religious persecution.

Modern American Government – I was taught that our democratic form of government represents the people. I was naive enough to believe that this representation meant all people. I now believe that it has been sorely lacking in representing all who have been marginalized – that’s everyone except white males.

I know what it’s like to be discriminated against because I am a woman but I am just beginning to understand how my white skin privileged just about everything I did in life. The Black Lives Matter movement and the “justice” aspects of the environmental and reproductive rights movements have opened my eyes to the extra burdens that have been placed on the lives of those who have not been born white. Our government continues to be controlled by white males. Given the Citizens United case, white male controlled corporations are now also being represented. The only good news since the last election is that people are mobilizing more than ever to fight for a government that represents all the people – including those who have traditionally been marginalized. 

There’s more indoctrination versus education to rant about but I’ll save it for another time. . .

 

The election of Trump has caused me to focus on my core beliefs and work toward advancing them. I recommend this exercise for everyone. It is a useful way to clarify where you stand and to focus your energies.

So, in no particular order and subject to further additions, here they are.

 Reproductive Rights and the Right to Die. 

Nothing could be more fundamental than the notion that the government has no place making healthcare decisions for individuals. As for reproductive rights, these are perhaps the most important rights women have to gain equity in any society. Without the right to decide if and when to have a child, women are relegated to child bearing and will not be able to pursue their own destinies. In addition to reproductive rights, adults of sound mind should also have the right to end their lives if they chose to – particularly if they have lost the health to enjoy.

Income Equity. 

The disparity between the incomes of workers and the financial elite is obscene. All workers should have a living wage so that if they work full time, they can afford housing, food and life’s essentials. The incomes/bonuses for the executives in the financial services industry should be restricted to a reasonable percentage more than their workers. There should be laws with criminal penalties prohibiting executives from resorting to self-interest over common good (as in the recent recession). History has proven that left unregulated, the financial services industry will resort to greed and self-interest. This needs to be stopped. 

Climate Change.

Our climate worldwide is in danger and steps must be taken locally, nationally and globally to curtail climate change. These steps should include penalties for failure to follow strict regulations. The fossil fuel business should be highly regulated and given incentives to change to clean energy.

Freedom of Speech and the Press. 

Public supported news is important to avoid bias. Fact checking has become more important than ever. Media that is opinion rather than merely factual, such as FOX and MSNBC, should be labeled as such. The press should strive to report facts rather than opinions so that their audience can form their own conclusions. All persons should have the right to speak their minds in public forums. Hate speech and violence-inciting speech should be prohibited.

The Role of Government.

Government should provide for an orderly and fair society as well as a safety net for those who are unable to take care of themselves. International peace should be pursued. Sharing our resources with people in need from other countries should be encouraged. Government should  serve as an example to the world with respect to the intrinsic value of following the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. We should not pursue regime change in other governments and we should not interfere in other governments except to help prohibit genocide and other serious abuses to people. 

Equal rights for all in all things. 

All people should be treated equally and should have equal access to good education, health care, employment opportunities, housing, family life (marriage, divorce and child rearing), food, clean water and clean air.

Elections. 

Eliminate the Electoral College. Establish term limits for congress. Eliminate corporate and PAC money in elections. Eliminate compensation for office holders after term expiration.

Immigration. 

Refugees escaping war and danger from their native countries should be welcomed and helped to establish themselves in this country. Other immigrants should be subject to reasonable vetting and quotas. Dreamers should be granted citizenship. Deportation should be restricted to felons. Amnesty should be allowed to family members of citizens.

Religion.

All references to “God” should be removed from the Pledge of Allegiance, governmental events (including swearing in ceremonies) edifices, documents and currency. Non-believers should have the right to be free of religion just as believers should have the right for all religions to be treated equally and none favored by the government.

Diversity. 

Women and minorities and others who have been traditionally marginalized should be proportionately represented in all aspects of leadership in society.

 

“Let me help you tighten your helmet. Is the seat okay? Do you know how to shift the gears? Let’s stay on the sidewalk until you get the hang of your new bike. . . . .”

Sound familiar? These could have been my words 25 years ago but they are not my words . . . they are my daughter’s as we get ready to take our first bike ride together on my new bike.

Helmets secured, we take off . . . my daughter in the lead so she can pick a safe route with little traffic. When we start up a hill, she turns around to keep an eye on me. When I topple over, having unsuccessfully tried to turn while going too slowly up the hill, she is right there to help.

As I lie in the street with my bike on top of me (and my ego bruised more than my knees), people seemed to materialize out of nowhere asking if I was okay. My daughter lifted my bike off me and soothingly said, “poor momma, let me help you up.” Had a crowd not gathered, she would likely have offered to kiss my boo-boo.

Dusting off my pants and the crowd, I get back on and ride off behind her to the closest coffee shop outdoor table to chill out with some caffeine and keep an eye on our bikes and my bloody knees.

Waiting outside while she goes in to buy our coffee, our recent role reversal is not lost on me as I ponder the symmetry of life between this mother and daughter.

I first noticed the change when I moved to San Diego 7+ years ago after retiring from my law practice in Chicago. It was a subtle change at first, such as carrying my canvas bags after filling up on groceries at Trader Joe’s.

Then there were the times she’d reach out to take my hand when crossing the street mid-block as we took a short cut to our favorite neighborhood tavern for happy hour.

On airport trips she carried my luggage and did the reminders to put my ticket and id in my pocket and finish my liquids before going through security.

At some point, daily morning texts became a ritual checking on how I slept and my plans for the day. Once she taught me how to Bitmoji, texting became a contest of who could be most outrageous expressing daily moods and thoughts.

Due to her encouragement, I eat my vegetables – I drink lots of water (instead of lots of wine) – I take my vitamins and I floss my teeth!

As I ponder life’s cycles, that song from Fiddler on the Roof begins to play on the soundtrack of my mind.

“Where is the Little Girl I carried . . .Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers, blossoming even as we gaze.”